


a gaze that won't be forgotten

by torasame



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Drinking, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Minor Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:00:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27402379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/torasame/pseuds/torasame
Summary: In which Kuroo finds that Tsukishima is much wiser than he in when it comes to love.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 5
Kudos: 55
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	a gaze that won't be forgotten

**Author's Note:**

> It isn't a song this time wooo.  
> (I lied, I got the poem from a song reference.)  
> I have two tests tomorrow (or today seeing that it's midnight on November 6th by the time I make this edit) so i'm going to go study for those now. This wasn't explicitly about Hanahaki but more so on the "logical-to-a-fault-but-not-quite" Tsukishima agenda I'm pushing. 
> 
> day 5 prompts: realizations, hanahaki and "did you ever love me?"  
> title from "The Flowers," a poem by Kim Chun Soo.

There’s glasses spread between them on the metal table. They’re on Akaashi’s apartment balcony, there isn’t a grand view of the city, but it’s a peaceful sort of sight. Bokuto is fast asleep somewhere in their make-shift karaoke room, Akaashi must be getting something in the kitchen and stumbling towards soberness. Kuroo and him are alternating between sips and exhaling breaths of cold air as though they were cigarettes. There’s an unspoken agreement to draw the night on a little longer.

Kuroo takes a loud breath, causing Tsukishima to spare him a glance, “Did you ever love me?” Tsukishima rests his glass on his pants, the moisture seeps in through the fabric leaving a cold spot on his thigh.

“That’s the last thing she said when I told her,” Kuroo stifles a laugh. “I couldn’t give her a straight answer.”

He doesn’t know how much he’s had to drink, but they’re probably on some form of tipsiness. It probably explains why Tsukhima bothers to entertain this kind of conversation. “So you’ve figured it out now?”

“I feel like a jerk.”

“You can’t be any more of one that you already are,” he dodges Kuroo’s nudge, the table stumbles a bit and they both reach to steady it.

“I guess it wasn’t anything much,” he admits off-handedly, his words are laced with honesty, “It was more of just being there for the feeling, at the end of the day. There was nothing committing about it, like it was just driving on an empty trail without going anywhere.”

Tsukishima brushes the water droplets from his lap, the cold sticks to where the water stuck to his fingers. He sets his glass on the table. “That’s reasonable.”

“I guess I just wanted to try it out again,” Kuroo sets his own glass down as well, there’s a faint dusting of pink on his cheeks, more so from the cold rather than the alcohol. He leans back into his chair. The metal scrapes the floor slightly. “But I guess I was too presumptuous. Young and naive as they say.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being honest about it.”

Kuroo sighs, “I know. Bokuto would’ve given me a light scolding. It’s just harder to template it to more emotional people, y’know?”

Tsukishima nods, “I get that.”

Kuroo brings his legs up onto the chair, crossing them while his arms stretch outward to gesture as though he was trying to form the words into an expression that couldn't be encapsulated in mere speech. “She was a good person, don’t get me wrong. But I can’t help but think about how she grew to depend on the idea of it. It was like she was constantly trying to grasp assumptions from thin air in an attempt to take me part. Like she was trying to prove she understood me on a deeper level when we were barely months into dating.”

“It probably explains why I was never inclined to grow attached to her and our relationship,” there’s a large fog that stretched from Kuroo’s exhale. He lets a short silence fall between them before he continues. “Guess the night really does bring out these things in people, huh?”

“History is made in the night, as Churchill one said.” Kuroo smiles at that, he takes his cup and gestures it toward him. Tsukishima reaches for his one and the glasses click together before they both take a quick drink. The cold and the alcohol burns the base of his throat pleasantly. “It’s good to get it out of your system.”

“Take this as wisdom being passed down by your upperclassman.” He shakes his head, wringing his fingers together to instigate warmth. The stars aren’t shining as bright above them, the moon hides half of itself away in the shadow of the sky. “Though you’re a lot smarter than I am, I’m sure you won’t have to deal with minor inconveniences like this because of presumptuous decisions.”

Tsukishima meets his gaze. “You’re not the romantic type, but I’m confident that when you decide on someone, they’ll probably be a good person. Or maybe they’re just as stiff as you are, who knows?”

He scoffs, there’s a slight smile tugging on his lips. They stay on the balcony for a moment longer before they down the last of their drinks, collect the glasses on the table and bring them inside. Akaashi greets them in the living room and the three of them segregate their mess in the kitchen. Tsukishima builds makeshift mattresses for him and Kuroo by the sofas while Bokuto is being hauled into Akaashi’s room. They chorus a quiet round of goodnights, though none of them are quite sure of the hour. It doesn’t take long for Tsukishima breathing evens out quietly across him and for the twilight to cause the world to fade away.

-

Tsukishima isn’t there when he wakes up. He meets Akaashi by the kitchen counter, he starts heating up pans for breakfast while Akaashi brews them something to drink.

“Sorry to hear about what happened.” The thought slips past his mind when he cracks an egg on the edge of a bowl, it falls onto the pan with a sizzle.

“Oh, right. Thanks Akaashi,” he uses the spatula to move it onto one of the plates. “I talked to Tsukishima about it last night.”

He mutters another thank you when Akaashi offers him a cup of hot chocolate. He leans by the sink while Akaashi takes a seat by the island. Akaashi’s mouth is drawn in a line, there’s a slight crease in his features. Green eyes perceive him like an examination question. Kuroo knows better than to ask prematurely, but he isn’t sober enough to keep himself from talking. “I tried to kickstart his love life as well.”

“You’re becoming a nosy upperclassman,” Akaashi comments easily. Like he’s picking the options apart and answering each of them before he gets to the final answer. “He’ll move on his own, that’s just how he is. But I guess what happened a few years ago stuck with him.”

Kuroo senses the edge of the cliff, he can’t see what lies below its depth. He leans over for a glance, “what do you mean?” Akaashi’s expression does not falter when gravity takes effect. Curiosity killed the cat after all.

“It was the training camp of my last year, Tsukishima and I were practicing together one night before I had to accompany him to the hospital,” he does not hit the ground. He’s stuck in free fall. “Tsukishima started coughing up flowers.”

Kuroo swallows his words. He tries to force them back up his throat. Akaashi beats him to it.

“It faded naturally, it didn’t last very long though. But I’m guessing it plays an unconscious factor in his avoidance of romantic inclinations.” Akaashi takes the plates and sets them on the dining room table, there’s faint stirring in the background, signalling the closing end of their conversation.

“Why are you telling me this all of a sudden?” It’s like a pawn moving two squares ahead, just by the line that divides its territory from its opponent’s. It’s a leap just behind enemy lines. And he’s a fool for playing these games with Akaashi. Because Akaashi’s pawn has already reached the bishop’s square, standing beside the king.

“You’ve sidestepped the obvious so you must have a faint idea of what it is.” They turn when Bokuto enters the room with a profound yawn. Kuroo feigns throwing up when he goes to kiss Akaashi on the cheek. He’s hanging on the side of the cliff while breakfast resumes and the morning moves on. 

“Where’s Tsukki?” Bokuto asks between bites of food. “Did his train leave already?”

“He said he had an errand to run for a report, he’ll probably be at a museum right now.”

“Where are you headed in such a rush?” It’s pointed at him. He leaves his plate by the sink and grabs his overnight bag, heading to the direction of the bathroom.

“I better pick him up.” He shuts the door and lets the water run.

-

“Tsukki!”

He squints in the light of the winter sun, he raises a hand to shield his eyes from the glare when he descends the steps. Tsukishima isn’t hard to spot in the crowd, seeing as his height has him shoulders taller than most people and as though that weren’t enough, his naturally blonde hair made him stick out like a sore thumb.

“Did you have a good field trip, Tsukki?” He adds chan at the end for emphasis. Tsukishima shoves him aside, while Kuroo laughs into the sky.

“What are you doing here?”

Kuroo pulls a hand over his chest as though he’s been wounded. “Tsukki, you can’t expect your guardian to leave you all alone after a school trip.”

“Ah, so you’re here to torment me.”

Kuroo laughs once more and throws an arm around his shoulders, leading him down the streets of Tokyo. They’ve got time left before Tsukishima takes one of the afternoon trains back to Sendai so Kuroo sets them at a comfortable pace for a stroll.

“Does your head hurt?”

“No, not really. I didn’t have that much to drink last night.”

They stop at an intersection. The numbers flicker on signs, blinking with every second. Red turns green and they cross the road among the dispersed sea of people.

“You didn’t have to come see me off,” Tsukishima says after some time. He doesn’t realize they've made it to the outskirts of the station.

“It’d be rude not to. I invited you out after all.”

They pass a bed of flower arrangements. He catches the faintest once over Tsukishima casts over what seems to be a line of daffodils. Kuroo halts in his tracks. Tsukishima isn’t too far behind.

“Kuroo?”

Tsukishima finds him on the side of the cliff and reaches for him. There’s hesitation that overtakes him when he’s about to take his hand. He uses the intervals he has between seconds to contemplate on Akaashi’s words. To make an answer amidst all the wrong choices. To let his pawn move past the divide. But he takes his hand, with an uncalculated risk. And that’s when it falls into place.

“Did you ever love me?”

He sees the conflict in Tsukishima's eyes when he stares at the board, the twitch in his grip as he keeps Kuroo from falling. He thinks Tsukishima is going to let him go. But he doesn't. His expression mellows, and he pulls him upward, he leads Kuroo's rook to take Akaashi's pawn.

"I did."

The certainty in Tsukishima's tone roots the inklings of shame within him.

"You had hanahaki." Tsukishima repeats his answer.

"I didn't think I would've had to tell. But I guess it was your right to know. And you should stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Looking at me with pity. You didn't know so you don't have to be sorry."

"But how," Kuroo stumbles on his words, "how did it just manage to go away." How long did you have to bear the pain? How did you get over it so quickly? What did you have to suppress?

"I got over it because love doesn't work in the way most people believe. I care about you, and I do love you but in a different way. I considered making my affections known but the flowers were answers in it of itself." Tsukishima does not wring his fingers together, he looks Kuroo dead in the eye. "In the same way you ended your relationship because you didn't love your girlfriend, I dismissed the romantic feelings I had towards you when I found out you didn't feel the same way."

"Love isn't expecting them to reciprocate. It's about caring for a person because of who they are, not for the inherent prospect of a relationship. A healthy one is symbiotic and if you invest too much in someone and get hurt, that's just a sign for you to move on."

Kuroo feels the area around his eyes grow heavy. His chest feels too tight for comfort. He barely squeezes out the words. "Since when did you get so wise, Tsukki?"

"I'm just being practical." There's an announcement that echoes from where they stand. They make their way inside, he watches Tsukishima input numbers into the ticket machine methodically, trailing him until they reach the border.

"Thank you for inviting me, Kuroo."

"Thank you for coming, Tsukki." There's a hand on his shoulder and a rare smile on Tsukishima's lips.

"Quit frowning, it makes you look older than you already are."

He stifles a laugh as he waves Tsukishima good-bye. Kuroo stays where he is until Tsukishima's figure fades into the sea of people. He pockets his hands and heads outside.

Kuroo stops by the flowers and tentatively reaches for one. It's soft against his fingers and it takes him a moment to realize his mistake. The game stops and the cliff disappears, everything is put on pause. The cold air burns his lungs like nicotine. He takes a long breath before he makes his way down the pavement, following the line of yellow narcissuses in bloom.


End file.
